Dear Rose
It’s been quite a ride hasn’t it! Well, you won’t know that yet but take my word for it – you have interesting times ahead. Do I regret them? Probably not.
Would I change some things? Definitely. It’s difficult to guess the age at which we could/should have begun to understand the impact on mum and dad of losing our three siblings, especially as it was never spoken of.
There were just those times of year when the dark cloud descended over mum for a few days and then she was back to normal. Now I so wish that I had talked to them about it.
There were opportunities, particularly in mum’s later years, but the conversations were brief and I think it was down to my diffidence rather than her reluctance that we didn’t share more. And isn’t it strange that, over the years, I have so missed the presence of those siblings I never really knew.
I think it was probably the impact of that which led to our quiet childhood and to you being quite a studious, well-behaved child. The same can’t be said of our younger brother though! Someone once said to me that children of the manse go either to the good or to the bad, no half measures, and for a while we certainly embodied that.
I'm happy to say he did eventually calm down though and found his perfect match. Dad, who had quite a privileged, almost Edwardian, upbringing, who went through the war as a conscientious objector but still ‘did his bit’ in the RAMC, was never much of a realist. He was always searching for truth, for enlightenment and, I suspect, for a bit of adventure.
Mum, on the other hand, came from a very different background and never quite got over the sense of inferiority brought about by her in-laws. She was the kindest, gentlest, most caring person imaginable but so lacking in confidence that she did not achieve all she might have hoped.
They were both quite unworldly, maybe because of their deep faith, and as a result I don’t think either you/I or our brother was well-prepared for life in the big world. You will enjoy your university years – probably too much!
But I think the excesses were due to a lack of confidence, desperation to fit in, and inexperience of the wider world. It will work out fine in the end but there will definitely be risks that probably should not be taken! Your career will work out fine too, but the danger is that you will not achieve all you could because of your lack of self-belief.
That old foe, Imposter Syndrome, is a powerful enemy. Don’t worry though because you are actually really good at what you do and you will have a lot of fun along the way. If you have the opportunity, just take chances to be creative when they come along – what’s the worst that can happen?
Be brave – speak out, have an opinion, make suggestions – you will be amazed how well that will be received. What is it Mark Twain says? “We regret the things we don’t do more that the things we do”. So true. Now for the good news! After the wild years, you will meet the right man who shares your love of the arts and, like you, works in theatre and you will happily spend the next half century (and counting) with him.
You will even marry him after your first 40-odd years together – dates are a bit fluid – and what a joyful day that will be. You will work together, play together and travel the world and experience wonderful things together, making marvellous memories.
Early on you will take a positive decision not to have children. It will seem like a good idea at the time but, as you grow older, you will realise just how much of life you may have missed because of it. What would it have been like to stand at the school gates with other mums, to worry about every childhood ailment, to thrill at their every achievement?
And what would it be like now to complain to friends about the demands of looking after grandchildren? We’ll never know. Hey-ho. And now, as age encroaches (next week will see my 73rd birthday, how can that be!) things can become more difficult. But the key is to keep doing the things you love. Make the most of every day, don’t let them drift by as we have a tendency to do.
Most importantly, spend time with the people you love and talk to them about all those things you may have avoided over the years. Who knows what you may discover! Do play that piano and sing as loudly as you want. Keep up those languages (they will come in very handy on your travels), read a lot and maybe write a little.
Learn new skills or polish old ones. Savour the small things – the weather, walking, the countryside in which you live, the garden, birds, good food and wine. And when limitations do set in, remember all those happy youthful wild times and so many joyous times since, and be thankful for what we have had and for what may yet lie ahead. Enjoy it all! With my love x