Dear my younger self...
Hi, younger self. It’s me, your older self, now 71, writing to offer you some important advice. But, first, a thought, in so doing, this may generate a ‘butterfly effect’? That theory which suggests that small changes in reality, within specific moments of time, can ultimately result in something with much larger consequences to future events. Well, in this case, I really do hope so, because changes in the way you think and act now, will hopefully lead to significant reductions in the levels of anxiety and depression we’ll otherwise experience as we live through our middle years. Allowing us to hopefully blossom in ways that will always evade us, if change isn’t achieved in the way we manage our poor parenting. So please, take heed, it’s our only chance of greater middle-age contentment. Yes, I’m happy now.
Fulfilled, at last. Enjoying life in so many ways. But, only after years of doubt, low self-esteem, a constant need to be proving myself to parents long gone, resulting in perfectionism, with all its consequent, disabling traits.
And why? Because we weren’t valued as an individual in those important formative years, and you’re already seven, approaching junior school, damaged but saveable.
So, first and foremost, let’s value ourself, always. What we’re doing, what we’ve done and what we hope to achieve. I know we have a twin brother, and I can tell you that we get on fine now, but I also know that our significant differences were never recognised or valued equally. So, let’s acknowledge those differences and let’s remain our own special, individual, able self. And now, I’ll offer that advice. First, and based on age and experience, I can now look back on all those instances where mum wanted us constantly to be the same. She was wrong. She denied us our individuality. You can’t really rebel significantly, as a primary aged child, but do the next best thing and keep our own desires and dreams at the forefront of our thinking. And, even if they must sometimes develop secretly, beyond public view, the same goes for our actions. DON’T let go of them.
A time will come when we can bring them to fruition. We may be dressed the same, but the outward persona hides so much of us and the value we will constantly show to others, over time. Second, let’s try our best to ignore those empty threats from mum. That’s all they really are. Those threats to take us off to a ‘Banardo’s’, the local children’s care home, if we don’t behave correctly. I recognise how difficult that is, because the threat seems so real at seven. But our twin brother doesn’t cry, does he! Like we do. He’s able, somehow, to stay one step removed. Or is it, that as the more sensitive twin, the least valued twin, we see the threat aimed more forcefully towards us, rather than him.
I know now, with hindsight, such a wonderful thing, that those threats were generated because of mum’s own very high levels of anxiety. Operating as she was in a marriage that lacked so much. Almost loveless. Those extended spells of silence between our parents, and almost no physical, outwardly tender contact. But again, it’s because we noticed, our siblings seemed not to. Indeed, you’re noticing now and will do so for all the seminal years ahead. Well, this may seem counter intuitive, but continue to notice, continue to record, but no self- blame! It’ so important NOT to take on any responsibilities. Rather to see where the blame belongs. Now, from today forward.
Not tomorrow. Tomorrow brings insecurities. I’ll admit that I only accepted mum’s guilt in my sixties, after expert counselling allowed a real voice to feelings buried very deep. So, please, try not let those awful cogs develop as part of our own mental mechanisms. They need to be challenged now, before they ‘clog up the works’, as they say. And, I know, that the consequences of that ‘clogging’ have been devastating. Please learn to recognise that we are every bit as worthy as our twin, even though that worth is rarely acknowledged. I know as a youngster that will be so hard to do, but please focus on that.
You really MUST. Otherwise, we will continue to feel second best, as we get older, third if you count our sister. Inferior, often forgotten, unloved. It’s what you often feel now, isn’t it? It’s what you’ve felt since you were able to think and do for yourself, which your perfectly capable of doing. Even as you’re told that the favouritism you see, you hear, is all in your head. It isn’t. It’s real and will sadly remain that way.
You just have to soldier on, be strong, value yourself in the here and now and know, that in many ways, you are the more able sibling. Certainly academically. Because, in the years ahead mum will stop you from going to the Grammar School because our twin didn’t pass the eleven plus, as you will. And then she’ll stop you staying on for ‘A’ levels, because the school didn’t suggest that he should. So, unfair, and so impactful in the long run, even if not quite as hurtful at the time. And dad, seeming to let these things happen rather than get involved.
Standing to one side, easier to let these things happen that to take sides. You’ll say, as I have, “well how could they understand academic success, they’d both left school at fourteen?”. But DON’T take that position, learn to blame them early, rather than continually feeling that need to prove them wrong. In the end, only allowing acceptance of their guilt will help us to succeed. To live a generally happier life. So, that’s my main message, accept the blame was theirs, our parents, particularly our mother, and accept in your youth. Maybe, even at seven, I’ve left it too late, but better late than never. Stay strong, Stay true to yourself. Remain calm, stop fretting, worrying., losing sleep. You have so much to offer now and in the future. In fact, we’re a doctor now, academically, after a hard slog, still trying to prove to our parents, long passed, that such achievement could be reached.
But I don’t want you to have that troubled road ahead. We deserve a smoother journey, fewer downs and many more ups. Now, I know this is an imaginary letter, still cathartic, even though I’m so much better, these days. But oh, how I wish that it had been received be my younger self and acted upon. I’m sure that it would have allowed me to be writing a very different type of letter, to my younger self now, in my seventy-second year. But what has been, has been. And all experiences have value if you allow those values to be recognised and utilised. Yes, profitable time has been lost to ‘blackness’, but out of that ‘blackness’ has developed a strength. A strength to share those experiences with others and to help support those attempting to manage those dark times, now. Thankfully, I have been able to throw the ‘worst of times’ aside, and now and live a very measured, productive retirement. Four beautiful grandchildren, lots of satisfying voluntary work and hobbies galore. Moreover, no more wondering if I’m doing any of these things ‘perfectly’.
No, happy now to be doing them for the value they give me, in the moment. No comparisons being made, no judgments, just enjoyment. Seventy-one and very content. I just wish that I could have found that contentment sooner. But as I said earlier - better late than never. Much love, your older, wiser and more positive, self.